


Differing Realities

by BitterRenegade



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Torture, Jealousy, Male-Female Friendship, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 13:23:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18344543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BitterRenegade/pseuds/BitterRenegade
Summary: It wasn't fine.But Jester could pretend that she was.(Written for Fjorester Week 2019, Day 4, Jealousy!)





	Differing Realities

It wasn’t a good feeling.

There might have been small traces of it before. A bit of disappointment when their group began to grow, and she couldn’t share a room with Fjord anymore. Maybe a bit of annoyance when their one-on-one talks began to dwindle and he began to shy away from her touch. The half-orc was her first friend other than the Traveler, after all. So of course, when the dynamic began to shift it would hurt, just a bit. There was far less hand holding when exploring new places, less moments where she could hum and play with his hair when it was just the two of them. On one hand, she understood the growing distance; their friendship with one another was special, it felt wrong to let the others see the things that was reserved for the other. A tiny seed of doubt in the back of her mind wondering if Fjord was really her friend that she quickly crushed under the sole of her boot. Of course Fjord was her friend! And he used to be bullied, so of course he wouldn’t like the teasing that they would receive from their group mates if they acted more… familiar than most friends did (to be fair, Fjord and Jester were pretty different from most people). And it wasn’t all that bad, because now she had Beau and Nott and sometimes Yasha to room with, more people to show her drawings, more people to hug and smile and laugh with. Caleb, when the smelly wizard was in a good mood, would trade books with her. She and Molly got along fantastically, the two tieflings having an understanding about the other that wasn’t quite on the same level of closeness that she had with Fjord. And Jester loved her friends, her new family, the Mighty Nein. Still, though. Fjord was very important to her, they had travelled together alone for some time before they met the others, and she held his true voice close to her heart; a carefully guarded secret that made her feel just a bit more special. But she wanted to be close to him again.

And then they were kidnapped.

Jester felt conflicted as she hummed and combed her fingers through Fjord’s hair, hands shaking. Smiled brighter even if she was gagged when those awful, awful people mocked her from outside the bars. Was this her punishment for wanting to be close? Did she doom Fjord and Yasha because of her silly little wish? And why wasn’t the Traveler answering? The thoughts spun in her head, tiny, internal prayers. She would play so many pranks, just help them please. Help Fjord, and help Yasha, and help  _ her _ . The young blue tiefling would be strong. She would sing a song to comfort herself, a distraction from the pain, a reminder that there’s someone out there who cared about her. She would laugh in the faces of the bastards as they hurt her, angry, mocking, insulting. The pain that they inflicted on her would be nothing in comparison to what they would get in return. She would smile and be strong for Fjord and Yasha until the others got to them, because they  _ had _ to get to them. And then it’d be fine, it’d be fine.

It had to be fine.

When they got out, they found out that Molly was dead.

It wasn’t fine.   


But Jester could pretend that it was. She could hide the scars that she hadn’t been able to heal. She could lie, she could smile, she could laugh. At least, she could think to herself, at least she wasn’t alone. And now they were going to see her mom. The Ruby of the Sea, the most beautiful person that Jester knew. So loved by so many, and Jester was certain that even the Iron Buttfaces wouldn’t have done or said any of the things that they did to her if it had been her mother instead. Because all her mother had to do was smile, and people loved her. Not like Jester, no, not at all. In comparison, Jester was nothing, no one, a useless  _ monster  _ that wasn’t there for Mol-

“Do you ever wish that you could do what she does?” Fjord asks, and Jester can’t help but let the mask slip just a bit. Bitterness sneaking its way into her voice from the crack in her armor.

“Be that pretty, and graceful, and sing really good, and have a bunch of people think she’s wonderful…?”

Nott nods her head, “Yeah.”

They were all looking at her, expecting an answer. Jester shakes her head. “No, of course not!” she assures, because it’s impossible for her to ever be as amazing as her mom. “I like myself just the way I am.” But she doesn’t, she doesn’t she  _ doesn’t _ . And the mask keeps slipping, and she doesn’t want their pity.

But Beau looks so serious when she speaks up. “I think you’re pretty and graceful and… pretty graceful.”

“Thanks, Beau,” Jester says softly. All she needs to do is thank them, she doesn’t need to agree.

“Your singing voice is nice,” Fjord adds on. For some reason she’s so surprised when she hears it from him. Her smile is a bit awkward, and she feels a warmth in her chest that she knew she shouldn’t feel because Molly was dead, Molly was dead and—

Jester opens her mouth, voice softer than she expects. “Thanks, Fjord.” But she’s confused. She didn’t know that he had been close enough to hear when they had been touching her, burning her, cutting her— “When did you hear me sing?” she asks, voice pitched just a tad higher than usual.

It’s Caleb who answers, less smelly, not quite looking at her. “When you first told us about your mother.”

Jester nods, relieved. “Oh, that’s right. I did sing for you. You’re welcome.” And she makes up a funny little tune, knowing that her voice isn’t as beautiful, and she wishes that she could be better. That she could actually live up to their compliments. And for a moment she’s envious of the others. She wishes she could see herself the way that they do now. And before she left Nicodranas for the first time, she  _ did _ . She thought she was amazing. But since leaving, things kept slapping her in the face that she wasn’t good enough. Not for her momma, not for Fjord, not for her friends, not for the Traveler.

She’s in disbelief when her mom tells her that she didn’t take any suitors that evening so they could spend time together. She’s overjoyed, of course, but there’s a part of her that doesn’t believe it. The nagging self-doubt that had been eating at her since the first burn. And Fjord, he compliments Jester again, but he’s also complimented her momma, so it’s probably just Fjord being his usual charming self again. She’s convinced of this when Fjord kisses her momma’s hand. Convinced when Beau does the same. Convinced when Caleb throws another compliment Jester’s way. It isn’t for her, it’s for her momma’s benefit. Jester brags to her mother the way that she used to, and she tries not to flinch when Nott hints at her only being able to heal people, but not actually doing so. She didn’t cry in captivity, and she wouldn’t cry now. Not when she is with her mom again for the first time in awhile. It’s easier to put the mask back on when no one is complimenting her, when the subject changes to other things. The father that Jester never really got to know.

Later, Fjord stops her. He doesn’t speak, just watches her with beautiful eyes that are filled with worry, squeezes her hand in a way that she knows he means to be comforting.

“Thanks, Fjord,” Jester tells him in a voice just above a whisper. 

The half-orc looks conflicted for a moment then flashes his friend,  _ just a friend _ , a smile. “You do have a nice singing voice, Jester. I mean it.”

It’s so minor, so small, but it makes Jester grin back easily. “And I do believe that you are very,  _ very _ handsome Fjord.”

Both of them wish that they could believe the other. Fjord wishes he could see himself the way Jester does, handsome and brave and charming like that half-orc in the book she likes. Jester wishes she could see herself the way Fjord sees her, strong and beautiful and helpful. There’s a yearning there; to accept themselves, to figure out exactly how they feel. And Jester is uncertain, struggling to differentiate her feelings towards herself from that of the Iron Dickbags.

But with Fjord beside her, it feels a bit easier.


End file.
